Sure it all starts out as a fairytale, boy meets girl, they fall hopelessly in love and move in together. Then all of a sudden you find yourself sitting in an uncomfortable chair searching the internet for answers at two in the morning. At least that is how it went in my case. Always a lover never a fighter, always the bridesmaid never the bride, always the hopeless romantic that had no hope of ever finding true love. Sure I have been down that road before, and let me tell you, it did not end well. First loves die hard but sometimes not hard enough and the romantic Casanova turns out to be gay. Love bites and it bites hard. It leaves scars that even the top cosmetic surgeon couldn’t fix.

I guess I can probably pinpoint my problems back to kindergarten. There was a boy who was my best friend and we made a pact, a pact that no boy or girl would ever come between us. We thought we were wise beyond our years and I should have known at that moment never trust a man. Ever. He broke our pact almost a week later and it was never the same between us. My relationship with guys was never the same. I was chasing after the wrong ones even then. I’d trap some poor soul in a tire and kiss him, or set up some challenge for them to win my love. That is no way to find your prince charming. Guys are scumbags to their core and even those who look innocent know how to hide it.

Right now my current significant other is laying in bed trying to talk to me after severely hurting my feelings. His explanation was that he was just tired and went to bed with no explanation otherwise. Yeah, ok, because that is how we play it. I will just disappear and not say a word and you can figure out the rest. No I don’t think so. “Never go to bed angry,” they say. Golden rule of all relationships and that is why I am not in the bed. He is over it and I am not. He just doesn’t get it. “I love you” is not a fix all and your sad puppy face is not reeling me back in. After a heartfelt apology I will consider the bed.

My friend often consults me for relationship advice. Me, relationship advice…right. So I give about as good of advice as you could get from a tomato.

Labels: no fairytale